2013 was a huge year for movies. We had an abundance of box office smashes,
such as Iron Man 3 (topping a billion dollars), Catching Fire and Fast &
Furious 6, animated hits like Despicable Me 2, Monsters University and Frozen,
the ground breaking film Gravity and the movies that had critics raving like 12
Years A Slave and American Hustle. But
amidst all the hits, there were plenty of misses. Sure there were the movies most people
expected to be horrendous. The Lone
Ranger (Johnny Depp as an offbeat character is uncharted water), The Hangover 3
(what a terrible beating that poor, poor dead horse endured) and After Earth
(you should be ashamed of yourself, Will) top that list. But there were a lot of unfortunately awful flicks
unleashed upon a once hopeful movie going public. Damn you, Hollywood for dashing our hopes so
cruelly.
1.
Man of Steel – The marketing behind this
Superman reboot was fantastic. Some of
the best trailers to come out in a long time had anticipation through the
roof. The first half of the movie was
very good, with both Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner shining as Superdads. All the scenes of Clark coming to terms with
who he is and what he’s capable of were well done. And then the destruction began. When General Zod and crew land on Earth and
start wrecking shop, the movie strays into the absurd. EVERY SINGLE FIGHT involves flying into the
other guy and pushing him through multiple buildings and obstacles. Over and over and over. There was so much noise, chaos and
annihilation that the viewer quickly became desensitized and lost
interest. In addition to that, you have
the irony of Superman doing trillions of dollars in damage and likely killing
over a hundred thousand people in an attempt to “save” the people of
Earth. Thanks but no thanks, pal. We’ll take our chances with the terraforming.
2.
The Wolverine – All the X-Men movies are very
polarizing. The majority of the casual
moviegoers seem to enjoy them, yet the rabid comic fan base is extremely
critical. When X-Men Origins: Wolverine
came out, it was maligned by casual viewers as well as the fanboys. When trailers for The Wolverine started
popping up, comic fans were cautiously optimistic. The setting of Japan, a take on one of the
more popular Wolverine story arcs, James Mangold behind the lens, all pointed
to what appeared to be the Wolverine story followers had been clamoring
for. Adamantium claws and a healing
factor versus limitless armies of ninjas.
There’s NO WAY this can go wrong.
We get one of the greatest fight sequences in movie history atop a
speeding bullet train and then...nothing.
For a long time. There’s a large
stretch of the movie where Wolvie doesn’t even pop his claws or get into any
violent conflicts of any kind.
Newsflash: Wolverine fans don’t
love him because he sits around reflecting on his choices and sharing tender
moments. They love him because he
doesn’t give a damn and wades into battle with reckless abandon against
impossible odds and kills without remorse.
We like our Wolverine bloody and defiant. No one wants to see Logan sitting around in a
kimono dress sipping tea with a love interest and clipping banzai trees. And they took the Silver Samurai, one of
Wolverine’s greatest rivals, and made him a giant Robocop with a sword.
3.
Elysium – After seeing Elysium it’s painfully
obvious that Neill Blomkamp is without a doubt the most
ham-handed director in the industry.
Don't get me wrong, his movies are entertaining to varying degrees but
he's now made two movies that are metaphors for the social injustices and
societal evils of immigration policy.
There’s nothing wrong with using movies to send a message, but he could
at least try to wrap the message within the story, rather than forcing a story
to fit his message. To be fair, District
9 did require you to think a little bit, but Elysium is merely an allegory for
immigration, healthcare and evil rich whiteys with all the subtlety of a
flashing neon sign outside a strip club.
You’ve got the have-nots just wanting the privileged to allow them to
get in their medical miracle tanning beds and wash away their ailments, and the
elite trying their damnedest to keep them out.
Toss in a minority President whose character’s name should have been
Arack Boama and an imperialist Caucasian second-in-command who’s basically a
lesbian Dick Cheney. And don’t forget
the evil corporations that only care about profits and treat their employees as
expendable garbage. It's essentially a
Michael Moore propaganda piece with lasers and robots. No word yet on if there’s any truth to the
rumor that Blomkamp’s next movie will be about a group of robots who stage a
protest because their radically oppressive manufacturers won’t allow them to
partner with other automatons of the same model because it’s mechanically unnatural. Regardless, it will star Sharlto Copley.
4.
The Purge – The premise of The Purge is
brilliant. In order to keep a handle on
crime, the citizenry gets one night per year to run amok and give in to the most
violent and depraved impulses. What
should have been a creative horror movie based around an original concept
turned into just another home invasion flick.
Framing this movie around one individual family was a mistake. This would have been much better served as a
sort of anthology, showing the effect on different people in different
locations. Instead we were given the
bastard child of The Strangers, Straw Dogs and Panic Room (unfortunately minus
Jared Leto’s epic cornrows). Fans of
horror who had high expectations for this one were purged of their enjoyment. The masks were creepy though, so there’s
that.
5.
Pain & Gain – In the case of Pain &
Gain, being based on true events actually makes it less enjoyable. From the previews, Pain & Gain looked like
a comedic action movie starring two of the biggest names in Hollywood. Basically The Rock and Mark Wahlberg being
badasses and cracking wise. A formula
for success if ever there was one. But
as Pain & Gain progressed, it became more and more…uncomfortable. This film suffers from an identity
crisis. It’s far too silly and
ridiculous to be a serious drama, yet too disturbing to be a comedy. I can’t laugh at Rock being pushed up on by a
gay priest when it’s a few minutes removed from scenes where a man is run over
repeatedly and set on fire. Tony Shalhoub’s character is played as an
insufferable jerk so as to make the viewer identify more with the Sun Gym gang,
but instead we’re left just wanting them ALL to go away.
6.
Mama – The second horror movie to make this
list, Mama initially looked very promising.
With Guillermo Del Toro executive producing we were led to believe Mama
would benefit from Del Toro’s brilliant (although somewhat repetitive) mind for
bringing to life memorable movie monsters.
The story focused on two young girls who were orphaned in the forest and
became feral as a result being reunited with their uncle and his wannabe rock
star girlfriend. Had the movie been
primarily about the girls and their creepy, spider-like mannerisms it probably
would have been much better. It did a
commendable job building tension and like most good horror movies understood
the need to postpone the reveal of your big evil as long as possible. However, when “Mama” is finally shown on
screen in all her cheesy bad CGI glory, the movie immediately died a painful
death. The ending was extremely
unsatisfying and what should have been an eerie ghost story was left as just
another sad attempt at horror. The
movie’s one saving grace is it was fun getting to see the Kingslayer from Game
of Thrones (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) do something other than have sex with his
sister or do a buddy comedy routine with a 7-foot tall woman.
7.
Gangster Squad – Traditionally movies about
mobsters have been very well received.
The list of acclaimed gangster movies is a long one. So when a mobster movie featuring an
incredible cast of red hot stars and solid veterans like Ryan Gosling, Josh
Brolin, Emma Stone, Sean Penn and Anthony Mackie is announced, critics and
viewers prepared to be impressed. Very
loosely based on the LAPD’s attempts to create a special task force to combat
mobster Mickey Cohen in the ‘40s and ‘50s, Gangster Squad fell flat in
basically every area. This clichéd bore
is plagued with acting so drab it felt like the stars were just phoning in
their performances. It’s a crime that top
talent was squandered in such a tedious, paint-by-numbers, uninspiring film.
8.
A Good Day To Die Hard – If you’re like pretty
much any red-blooded male, you’re a Die Hard fan. John McClane, as American as Johnny
Wayne. I don’t think there’s a man in
their 30s who hasn’t “Yippee Ki Yay’ed” a mf’er during some testosterone-fueled
moment of aggression. The Die Hard
movies range from awesome (Die Hard), to pretty good (Die Hard With A Vengeance,
Live Free Or Die Hard), to just sort of there (Die Hard 2). They even inspired the trope “That movie is
basically just Die Hard in a…” that can be used to describe such flicks as
Under Siege (Die Hard On A Boat), Executive Decision (Die Hard On A Plane), and
Speed (Die Hard On A Bus). Unfortunately
it seems as if McClane’s reign has started to wane. This latest (and hopefully final, barring an
infusion of revitalized creative inspiration for the character) sequel can be
commended for its spectacle, but not much else. It lacks all of the charm of the early installments
and plays like a cheap imitation of the Die Hard movies with a gigantic
budget. It’s basically Die Hard On A Die
Hard.
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